I’ve been reading and reflecting a lot on healthy boundaries lately. One resource I deeply appreciate is Alyssa Nobriga’s podcast, and in particular her conversation with Amber Rae—it’s an absolute gem.
Amber Rae shares a powerful insight about why setting boundaries can feel so difficult. Many of us believe that setting a boundary means expressing how we feel or what we need and then expecting the other person to respect it. In this approach, however, the boundary still depends on the other person’s willingness to cooperate. In other words, our sense of safety or relief is outsourced. There’s a hidden dependency.She illustrates this beautifully with a personal story: while driving, she became increasingly irritated by another driver. Her frustration escalated—until she chose to pull over, pause for a moment, and then continue driving once the situation had passed. The problem was removed not because the other driver changed, but because she took action. That, in essence, is a boundary.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
The real issue is that most of us were never taught how to set healthy boundaries.
Growing up, our main models were often:
-
An adult (our role model) telling us what not to do—setting limits through authority.
-
If those limits weren’t respected, obedience was enforced.
-
As children, we learned to either comply or rebel, often with the unconscious fear of losing unconditional love.
As a result, many of us internalized the idea that boundaries are imposing, harsh, or even violent. We may still act from our inner wounded child—being overly accommodating, compliant, and hesitant to say no. We avoid expressing what we don’t want because we fear hurting others or being perceived as “nasty” or selfish.
On top of that, boundaries are often mistaken for being self-centered. In reality, healthy boundaries are firm and loving. They protect relationships by preventing resentment, unspoken anger, criticism, and emotional burnout.
Assertiveness: A Key Skill for Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries requires assertiveness.
In this context, assertiveness means:
The ability to clearly and respectfully express your feelings, needs, and limits, while honoring both yourself and the other person—without aggression or passivity.
Before we can be assertive, we need inner clarity. This involves learning to recognize and understand our own emotions. Our feelings are not obstacles—they are a compass.
For example, well-managed anger can signal that something doesn’t feel right or that we disagree with what is being asked of us. When we allow ourselves to gently welcome that anger, decipher its message, and regulate it, we can then clearly and calmly state: “This doesn’t work for me,” or “I’m not available for this.”
This process requires two essential ingredients:
-
Emotional intelligence – understanding and interpreting our emotions.
-
Emotional regulation – managing those emotions so they guide us rather than overwhelm us.
Knowing Yourself and Your Values
Another crucial aspect of boundary-setting is knowing yourself deeply—your limits, your needs, and your boundaries across different areas of life (relationships, work, family, time, energy).
Identifying and clarifying your core values plays a key role here. When you know what truly matters to you, it becomes much easier to recognize when a boundary is needed and to stand by it with confidence.
Support on Your Journey
If you feel like this is an area you’d like to work on, I’d be honored to accompany you on this journey.
As a certified life coach specialized in Emotional Intelligence, I offer tools and guidance to help you set healthy boundaries and move toward a lighter, more enjoyable, and more fulfilling life.
You can learn more about my work here:
https://ananda-hum.com/blogs/yoga/life-coaching-emotional-intelligence-barcelona
I also highly recommend the book Boundary Boss by Terri Cole, an excellent resource for anyone wanting to deepen their understanding of boundaries and practice them with clarity and compassion.